Breaking the Cycle: Healing Relationship Patterns Rooted in Trauma

Self-care has become a buzzword in recent years, often associated with bubble baths, journaling, or taking mental health days. While these practices have value, they tend to focus on top-down approaches, strategies that rely heavily on cognitive control, like reframing thoughts, mindfulness, or planning self-care routines. But what if you're too overwhelmed to think your way out of distress? This is where bottom-up approaches to self-care come in. These techniques engage the body and nervous system first , creating safety and emotional regulation from the ground up. For individuals experiencing anxiety, depression, or trauma, bottom-up strategies can help when traditional cognitive approaches feel out of reach. In this blog, I’ll explore what bottom-up self-care looks like, how it works, and share practical strategies for incorporating it into your life. What is a Bottom-Up Approach? Bottom-up approaches focus on how sensory, emotional, and bodily experiences affect mental health. The goal is to address dysregulation in the nervous system before trying to tackle thoughts or behaviours. This approach aligns with the understanding that the body stores stress, trauma, and emotional experiences , and it needs to be engaged to promote healing. The nervous system operates in two main modes : Sympathetic activation : Fight-or-flight (activated during stress or danger). Parasympathetic activation : Rest-and-digest (calm and relaxed state). When anxiety or depression takes hold, the nervous system can get stuck in survival mode, either in hyperarousal (anxiety) or hypoarousal (depression or emotional numbness). Bottom-up self-care helps shift the nervous system toward balance by focusing on the body first, before the mind . Why Bottom-Up Self-Care Works Cognitive strategies like positive thinking or planning self-care rely on mental energy. But during high stress or emotional overwhelm, this energy may not be available. For example: When anxiety hijacks the nervous system, thinking clearly becomes difficult. Depression often brings a sense of numbness or fatigue, making it hard to initiate activities. Bottom-up self-care rebuilds regulation from the inside out by focusing on bodily sensations, movement, and sensory experiences. These strategies tap into the vagus nerve, a key player in the parasympathetic system, to promote calm and emotional stability. Bottom-Up Self-Care Strategies Here are several bottom-up self-care practices that can help restore emotional balance by regulating your nervous system. 1. Breath work Breathing is one of the quickest ways to engage the parasympathetic system. Intentional breath work can reduce anxiety and bring you back to a state of calm. Box breathing : Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold for 4. Repeat several times. Extended exhale : Inhale for 4 seconds, and exhale slowly for 6–8 seconds to signal safety to the nervous system. When anxious, your breath tends to become shallow. Practicing deeper, controlled breathing grounds the body, offering stability to your emotions. 2. Movement and Embodiment Practices Moving your body helps release stored stress and allows you to reconnect with the present moment. Walking : Rhythmic movement such as walking calms the nervous system. A walk in nature adds the soothing element of sensory input (like fresh air and sounds of birds). Yoga or stretching : Gentle yoga practices increase vagal tone and reduce physical tension. Even 5–10 minutes of stretching can foster a sense of calm. Shaking or dancing : Tremoring or dancing can release energy trapped in the body, which may accumulate due to unexpressed stress or emotions. 3. Cold Water Therapy Cold exposure activates the parasympathetic nervous system and can quickly shift your state when you feel stuck. Splash cold water on your face or immerse your hands in ice water for 30 seconds. Cold showers : A 30-second cold rinse can jolt the nervous system out of a stress state, grounding you in the present. This practice taps into the vagus nerve and helps with emotional regulation, offering relief from anxiety or low mood. 4. Tactile and Sensory Self-Care When emotions feel overwhelming, grounding yourself through sensory input can bring relief. Weighted blankets : The deep pressure mimics a hug and can reduce anxiety by triggering a relaxation response. Holding objects : Keep a smooth stone, stress ball, or soft object nearby to engage your tactile sense when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. Aromatherapy : Scents like lavender, chamomile, or cedarwood can activate the parasympathetic system, promoting relaxation. These practices offer a direct line to calm by engaging your senses, without needing to process emotions cognitively. 5. Self-Soothing Touch Touch sends powerful signals of safety to the brain. Self-soothing techniques work by mimicking the calming effect of being comforted by another person. Hand on chest : Placing your hand on your chest and gently applying pressure can create a sense of safety. Hugging yourself : Wrapping your arms around yourself offers comfort, especially during moments of loneliness or distress. 6. Grounding Exercises Grounding reconnects you to the present moment through sensory experiences. 5-4-3-2-1 technique : Identify five things you see, four you touch, three you hear, two you smell, and one you taste. Barefoot grounding : Walking barefoot on grass, sand, or soil can reduce stress by reconnecting you to natural sensory inputs. These techniques help pull your attention away from anxious thoughts and back into the present. Building a Bottom-Up Self-Care Routine Incorporating bottom-up self-care requires consistency and patience , especially if your nervous system has been stuck in survival mode. Here are a few tips for building a sustainable routine: Start small : Begin with one or two practices that feel manageable, such as deep breathing or cold water therapy. Tune in : Pay attention to how your body feels before and after each practice. Notice any subtle shifts. Create rituals : Embed these practices into your daily routine, like stretching when you wake up or grounding yourself with a weighted blanket before bed. Practice without judgment : Some days, self-care might feel easy, and on others, it might feel impossible. That’s okay. Bottom-up care is about meeting yourself where you are, without forcing change. Conclusion Bottom-up self-care offers a powerful way to promote emotional well-being, especially when thinking your way out of distress isn't possible. By focusing on the body's signals and nervous system regulation , these practices create a foundation of safety and calm. When the body feels safe, the mind follows, making space for thought-based strategies like reflection, problem-solving, and mindfulness. Remember, self-care isn’t one-size-fits-all . What matters most is experimenting with different practices and discovering what works for you. Whether it’s a short walk, a cold splash of water, or a hand on your chest, these small moments of care add up, bringing you closer to a sense of peace and balance. What’s one bottom-up self-care practice you can try today? Start small and notice how it feels, you deserve that moment of care.

With the snow melting and the days getting longer ( yay! ), many of us feel a natural urge to clean up our homes; sweeping out dust, decluttering closets, and welcoming in fresh air. Spring cleaning is a ritual of renewal, a way of creating space and bringing in light. But have you ever thought about doing the same for your mind? As April is Stress Awareness Month, it’s a perfect opportunity to check in with yourself—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. While we often focus on the things we can see and tidy up around the house, the mental and emotional clutter we carry can be just as heavy, if not more so. What is Mental Clutter, Really? Mental clu tter is all the “stuff” in our minds that distracts us, drains us, or leaves us feeling stuck. It’s the internal noise of unfinished to-do lists, looping worries, self-criticism, unprocessed emotions, or even the pressure to keep it all together. Some signs of mental clutter might include: Feeling overwhelmed or scattered Difficulty focusing or making decisions Overthinking conversations or past mistakes Constant mental to-do lists A sense of emotional fatigue—even when you’ve had “down time” If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. We all accumulate mental clutter from time to time, especially during stressful periods or when life feels busy and nonstop. The Connection Between Mental Clutter and Stress When our minds are full of disorganized thoughts, worries, and unresolved emotions, it keeps our nervous system in a state of high alert. You may not feel “panicked” per se, but your body might be operating as if there’s a low-level emergency all the time—what we sometimes call chronic stress. And the thing about chronic stress is that it’s sneaky. It builds gradually, often without us realizing how much we’re carrying. Over time, it can show up as sleep issues, irritability, burnout, brain fog, or even physical symptoms like headaches or muscle tension. By bringing awareness to our stress and taking steps to reduce our mental clutter, we give ourselves space to breathe, focus, and feel more grounded. 5 Ways to Spring Clean Your Mind Just like physical clutter, mental clutter doesn’t go away on its own. The good news? You don’t have to overhaul your entire life to make a meaningful shift. Here are five approachable ways to clear some space in your mind this spring: Name What’s Taking Up Mental Space Start with some honest reflection. What’s been on your mind lately? What’s bothering you beneath the surface? This might be anything from work deadlines to emotional pain you haven’t had time to process. Try writing it all down without editing or judging. Sometimes simply naming what’s there helps you feel more in control. Try a Daily “Brain Dump” At the end of the day, give yourself 5–10 minutes to unload whatever’s lingering in your mind—things you need to remember, thoughts you’re ruminating on, or feelings you haven’t addressed. Writing this down helps your brain feel like it can pause, knowing nothing important is being forgotten. It’s a small practice with a big calming effect. Cut Down on Mental “Noise” In today’s world, we’re constantly consuming information—news, emails, social media, podcasts. It adds up quickly. Try setting gentle limits on screen time or giving yourself “quiet hours” where you step away from digital inputs. Even small shifts, like muting notifications or taking a social media break, can reduce background stress. Challenge the Inner Critic Mental clutter isn’t just about tasks and worries—it can also include the unkind voice in your head. Notice when you’re being self-critical or catastrophizing (e.g., “I always mess this up,” “What if everything goes wrong?”). When you catch these thoughts, try gently questioning them. Ask: Is this true? Is this helpful? What would I say to a friend in this situation? Make Room for Stillness It doesn’t have to be a long meditation or fancy mindfulness practice. It could be as simple as pausing for a deep breath, sitting outside for a few minutes, or sipping your coffee without scrolling. These micro-moments of stillness help reset your nervous system and allow your mind to catch its breath. When You Need More Than a Reset If you’ve been feeling mentally cluttered for a while and can’t seem to find relief, it might be time to talk to someone. Therapy offers a space to sort through what’s been building up, explore the deeper sources of stress, and develop strategies that support your mental well-being in a sustainable way. Think of therapy like mental spring cleaning with guidance—it’s not about being perfect or “fixing” everything. It’s about giving yourself the time and space to clear out what’s not serving you and make room for clarity, connection, and calm. Feeling Ready to Clear Some Space? If this post resonated with you, let's talk. Therapy can be a valuable space to slow down, sort through what’s on your mind, and find practical ways to manage stress with more ease. If you’re feeling mentally cluttered or simply ready for a fresh start, I invite you to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to explore whether therapy might be a good fit for you!

We've all been there, setting out with determined intentions to change something about our lives, only to find ourselves right back where we started just weeks (or even days) later. Whether it's committing to a regular workout routine, eating healthier meals, or reducing screen time, changing habits can seem like an uphill battle. Why is it so tough to break old patterns and establish new ones? More importantly, how can we make these new habits stick? Let's explore the psychology behind habit change, the hurdles we encounter, and how to successfully create lasting new habits. Why Changing Habits Is Challenging The first thing to understand is that our brains love routine. Good or bad, habits carve out neural pathways deeply ingrained over time. These automatic behaviours, like reaching for a snack when stressed or checking your phone first thing in the morning, feel comfortable and familiar. Your brain loves shortcuts to save energy, and habits are among those shortcuts. This makes it hard to steer away from those well-worn paths. Additionally, humans are creatures of comfort. Change, even for the better, can be uncomfortable. Imagine deciding to wake up at 5 a.m. to exercise every day when you've been used to hitting snooze until 8 a.m. for years. That immediate discomfort can tempt you back into a cozy bed, no matter how much you want to get fit. And then there's the matter of willpower and motivation. We often start new habits brimming with energy and enthusiasm, but over time, that initial spark fades. Willpower can only carry us so far, especially when stress, exhaustion, or unexpected challenges come into play. That's why understanding the deeper reasons behind your habits and the science of behaviour change becomes crucial to making lasting changes. How to Start Changing Your Habits The good news? Breaking habits is difficult, but not impossible. In his award-winning book Atomic Habits, James Clear explains that it all starts with the first step, and no, it doesn't need to be a giant leap. Focus on Tiny Changes (1% Improvement): Clear emphasizes that small, consistent improvements lead to significant results. Instead of trying to change everything at once, focus on improving by just 1% each day. These small wins will build momentum over time. Set Clear, Achievable Goals : Saying, "I want to exercise more" is too vague to act on. Instead, be specific. "I'll go for a 30-minute walk every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 7a.m" gives you a concrete plan to follow. You'll know exactly when and how you'll take action. Change Your Environment: Environment design is key to changing habits. Supportive surroundings make it easier to stick to new habits. For example, if you want to stop eating junk food, remove unhealthy snacks and replace them with healthier options like fruits and nuts. This makes choosing better foods easier. Habit Stacking : This technique involves linking a new habit to an existing one. For example, If you want to practice mindfulness, stack it onto something you already do, like making coffee. “After I pour my morning coffee, I will take three deep breaths and focus on being present.” Focus on Identity, Not Outcomes : To change your habits effectively, concentrate on becoming the type of person who embodies the desired behavior instead of just the outcome. For example, say, "I’m the kind of person who runs regularly," rather than "I want to run a marathon." This identity shift increases the likelihood of sticking to habits that align with your self-perception. Tips to Help Maintain New Habits You've started making changes, so how do you keep the momentum going? Here are some strategies to help you stay on track: Use the Two-Minute Rule: Most habits can be scaled down to something that takes just two minutes. By lowering the barrier to entry, you make it easier to stay consistent, even on tough days. For example, if your goal is to read every day, start by reading just one page. If your goal is to exercise, begin with two minutes of stretching. Over time, these small efforts add up. Focus on Consistency, Not Perfection: It's more important to be consistent than to be perfect. Missing one day is not the end of the world, but two missed days in a row can disrupt your momentum. Always try to maintain your streak. Review and Adjust Regularly: Habits should evolve as your life does. Take time to review your progress and make adjustments if necessary. What worked when you started may need tweaking as your goals or circumstances change. How Long Does It Take to Form a New Habit? The myth suggests it takes 21 days to form a habit, but it often takes longer. Research indicates it can range from 18 to 254 days, with an average of about 70days . If you don't see immediate results, don't panic, it's normal. Changing habits is tough, but entirely possible with the right approach. By understanding why habits are hard to break, starting small, and maintaining consistency, you can successfully create new, healthier habits that stick. What habit do you want to change first? Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Stay patient, be kind to yourself, and watch those small changes accumulate over time.

In the intricate web of human relationships, communication often serves as the golden thread that binds hearts and minds together. Mastering the art of communication is not merely a skill but a profound journey towards understanding, empathy, and connection. Whether it's with your partner, family members, friends, or colleagues, clear and effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Join us as we delve into the depths of navigating relationships through improved communication strategies. The Foundation of Effective Communication Relationships thrive on communication, and the quality of that communication greatly impacts the dynamics between individuals. Lack of communication or ineffective communication can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and feelings of disconnect. By establishing a strong foundation built on active listening, open dialogue, and empathy, individuals can strengthen their relationships and foster deeper connections. The Power of Active Listening Active listening is the key to unlocking successful communication. It involves not just hearing but truly understanding the message being conveyed. When engaged in a conversation, practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, showing genuine interest, and providing feedback to demonstrate understanding. By being fully present in the moment, you validate the speaker's feelings and create a safe space for meaningful conversations. Navigating Conflicts Through Constructive Communication Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but the way they are managed can either strengthen or weaken the bond between individuals. When faced with a conflict, approach the situation with an open mind and a willingness to understand the other person's perspective. Use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings without placing blame. Through calm and constructive communication, conflicts can be resolved amicably, paving the way for mutual growth and understanding. Setting Boundaries and Honouring Differences Respecting boundaries and acknowledging differences are essential components of effective communication in relationships. Each individual carries their own beliefs, values, and experiences, which shape their communication style. By recognizing and honouring these differences, individuals can create a harmonious environment where all perspectives are valued. Communicate openly about boundaries and expectations to ensure a healthy and respectful relationship dynamic. Cultivating Empathy and Understanding Empathy is the bedrock of meaningful relationships. To truly connect with others, it is crucial to cultivate empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and seeing the world through their eyes. When communicating, strive to understand the emotions and motivations behind the words spoken. Validate each other's feelings and experiences, fostering a sense of empathy and mutual support within the relationship. The Journey Towards Better Communication Embarking on the journey of improving communication in relationships requires dedication, patience, and a willingness to grow. By prioritizing active listening, embracing conflicts as opportunities for growth, setting healthy boundaries, and nurturing empathy, individuals can navigate the complexities of relationships with grace and understanding. Remember, communication is a two-way street that requires mutual respect, trust, and a commitment to fostering strong, lasting connections. In conclusion, effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. By honing your communication skills, you can deepen your connections, resolve conflicts peacefully, and create a harmonious environment where all voices are heard and valued. Embrace the power of communication as a tool for building bridges, fostering understanding, and nurturing the bonds that unite us as human beings.

Grief is a deeply personal experience, yet it touches nearly everyone at some point in life. Whether the loss is of a loved one, a pet, or the end of a significant relationship, grief has a way of altering the course of our emotions and lives. It doesn’t follow a predictable pattern, and the range of feelings, sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, can catch us off guard. Exploring the complexity of grief and how it unfolds can help us process the pain and allow it to exist alongside our healing. Grief’s Non-Linear Nature Often, grief is mistakenly seen as a linear process, where one progresses through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, these stages aren’t a checklist but rather a broad framework. Grief doesn't follow a straight line. It comes and goes in waves, sometimes manageable, sometimes overwhelming. Days that seem better can quickly turn into those marked by deep sadness, and moments of peace can be interrupted by sudden feelings of loss. This unpredictability can feel confusing, but it’s a natural part of grieving. One moment might bring a sense of relief or normalcy, while the next might stir up pain again. Grief isn’t something to "move on" from but rather an experience to navigate, sometimes quietly, sometimes intensely. The Emotions of Grief Sadness is often the emotion most associated with grief, but it’s rarely the only one. Anger can arise, directed at circumstances, oneself, or even at the loss itself. Guilt is also common, regret for things unsaid or unresolved, or questioning whether more could have been done. The confusion that follows a significant loss, whether it’s a loved one, a pet, or a relationship, can feel disorienting, leaving a sense of imbalance as the world shifts without warning. Each of these emotions plays a role in the grieving process. A loss may leave life feeling less certain, causing deeper reflections on identity and future plans. Acknowledging these feelings, even when they seem contradictory or overwhelming, is a step toward processing the grief in a way that feels genuine and personal. Grieving Different Types of Loss Grief isn’t limited to the death of a loved one. The loss of a pet, often a loyal companion, can bring just as much pain. Pets provide comfort, companionship, and unconditional love, and their absence can leave a noticeable void. In relationships, whether romantic or platonic, the end of a meaningful connection can feel like mourning a future that was once envisioned. These types of grief, while different in their circumstances, share common ground in how deeply they affect our emotional world. Loss, in any form, shifts the landscape of life and demands to be felt. The comparisons between losses, whether of a loved one or a pet, don’t diminish the pain felt in either case. Processing Grief Allowing yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions is crucial in processing grief. There’s no need to rush toward “feeling better” or to suppress emotions that seem difficult to face. Being with the grief, whether through tears, anger, or even numbness, makes space for healing. Often, sharing the grief with others, whether through conversations with a trusted friend or a therapist, can provide comfort and connection during these isolating times. Mindfulness and self-compassion can also be invaluable. Grief is often accompanied by self-criticism, the belief that one should be “handling it better” or moving through the process more quickly. Embracing self-compassion allows for gentleness with oneself, recognizing that grief is a process without a set timeline. Mindfulness helps to remain present with the emotions as they arise, without being consumed by them. Living with Grief Grief doesn’t always demand sadness at every moment. Even in times of loss, there can be moments of joy, and those experiences are just as valid. Honouring the memory of what has been lost, whether through rituals or quiet reflections, can offer a sense of connection while allowing life to continue moving forward. Grief becomes part of the fabric of life. Over time, its intensity may lessen, and the waves may come less frequently. However, the love and memories remain. The experience of loss transforms but doesn’t need to be “left behind.” Living with grief means carrying it gently, knowing that it’s a testament to the depth of the love and connection that came before.