Breaking the Habit Loop and Building New Ones That Stick
Ashley Latendresse • March 28, 2025
We've all been there, setting out with determined intentions to change something about our lives, only to find ourselves right back where we started just weeks (or even days) later.
Whether it's committing to a regular workout routine, eating healthier meals, or reducing screen time, changing habits can seem like an uphill battle.
Why is it so tough to break old patterns and establish new ones? More importantly, how can we make these new habits stick?
Let's explore the psychology behind habit change, the hurdles we encounter, and how to successfully create lasting new habits.
Why Changing Habits Is Challenging
The first thing to understand is that our brains love routine. Good or bad, habits carve out neural pathways deeply ingrained over time.
These automatic behaviours, like reaching for a snack when stressed or checking your phone first thing in the morning, feel comfortable and familiar. Your brain loves shortcuts to save energy, and habits are among those shortcuts. This makes it hard to steer away from those well-worn paths.
Additionally, humans are creatures of comfort. Change, even for the better, can be uncomfortable. Imagine deciding to wake up at 5 a.m. to exercise every day when you've been used to hitting snooze until 8 a.m. for years. That immediate discomfort can tempt you back into a cozy bed, no matter how much you want to get fit.
And then there's the matter of willpower and motivation. We often start new habits brimming with energy and enthusiasm, but over time, that initial spark fades.
Willpower can only carry us so far, especially when stress, exhaustion, or unexpected challenges come into play. That's why understanding the deeper reasons behind your habits and the science of behaviour change becomes crucial to making lasting changes.
How to Start Changing Your Habits
The good news? Breaking habits is difficult, but not impossible. In his award-winning book Atomic Habits, James Clear explains that it all starts with the first step, and no, it doesn't need to be a giant leap.
- Focus on Tiny Changes (1% Improvement): Clear emphasizes that small, consistent improvements lead to significant results. Instead of trying to change everything at once, focus on improving by just 1% each day. These small wins will build momentum over time.
- Set Clear, Achievable Goals: Saying, "I want to exercise more" is too vague to act on. Instead, be specific. "I'll go for a 30-minute walk every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 7a.m" gives you a concrete plan to follow. You'll know exactly when and how you'll take action.
- Change Your Environment: Environment design is key to changing habits. Supportive surroundings make it easier to stick to new habits. For example, if you want to stop eating junk food, remove unhealthy snacks and replace them with healthier options like fruits and nuts. This makes choosing better foods easier.
- Habit Stacking: This technique involves linking a new habit to an existing one. For example, If you want to practice mindfulness, stack it onto something you already do, like making coffee. “After I pour my morning coffee, I will take three deep breaths and focus on being present.”
- Focus on Identity, Not Outcomes: To change your habits effectively, concentrate on becoming the type of person who embodies the desired behavior instead of just the outcome. For example, say, "I’m the kind of person who runs regularly," rather than "I want to run a marathon." This identity shift increases the likelihood of sticking to habits that align with your self-perception.
Tips to Help Maintain New Habits
You've started making changes, so how do you keep the momentum going? Here are some strategies to help you stay on track:
- Use the Two-Minute Rule: Most habits can be scaled down to something that takes just two minutes. By lowering the barrier to entry, you make it easier to stay consistent, even on tough days. For example, if your goal is to read every day, start by reading just one page. If your goal is to exercise, begin with two minutes of stretching. Over time, these small efforts add up.
- Focus on Consistency, Not Perfection: It's more important to be consistent than to be perfect. Missing one day is not the end of the world, but two missed days in a row can disrupt your momentum. Always try to maintain your streak.
- Review and Adjust Regularly: Habits should evolve as your life does. Take time to review your progress and make adjustments if necessary. What worked when you started may need tweaking as your goals or circumstances change.
How Long Does It Take to Form a New Habit?
The myth suggests it takes 21 days to form a habit, but it often takes longer. Research indicates it can range from 18 to 254 days, with an average of about 70days. If you don't see immediate results, don't panic, it's normal.
Changing habits is tough, but entirely possible with the right approach. By understanding why habits are hard to break, starting small, and maintaining consistency, you can successfully create new, healthier habits that stick.
What habit do you want to change first? Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Stay patient, be kind to yourself, and watch those small changes accumulate over time.
Ashley Latendresse, RP, M.A., BSc, ADMH
Clinic Owner, Registered Psychotherapist, EMDR Trained
Ashley is a Registered Psychotherapist (RP) in good standing with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario (CRPO). Her practice focuses on the treatment of PTSD and trauma symptoms, relationship challenges, and self-esteem. Ashley integrates a range of therapeutic approaches, including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), to support meaningful and lasting change. She holds a Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology from Yorkville University, a Bachelor of Science in Psychology from Trent University, and a specialization in Addictions and Mental Health from Durham College.
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May is a heavy month for me. It’s been one year since I lost my dog, Grover: my soul dog, my best friend, my quiet, steady companion. Even now, saying that out loud doesn’t feel real. Some days, it feels like he was just here. Other days, it feels like he’s been gone forever. That’s the thing about grief. It bends time, plays tricks on your memory, and shows up when you least expect it. I’m a therapist. I spend much of my time holding space for grief, sitting with clients as they navigate loss, uncertainty, and the quiet ache that follows. But today, I’m not writing as a therapist. I’m writing as a person who has loved and lost, hard. I still miss the sound of his paws padding behind me. His raspy voice would always let me know when it was time for breakfast, dinner, or treats. He never let me forget when it was time for a walk. Even if I was in the middle of a session, he made his presence known. Everything in my life had a place for him. I used to sleep half-hanging off the edge of my king-sized bed so he could sprawl comfortably. His seat in the car was always ready. He had weekly hangouts with his little buddies, a non-negotiable part of the calendar. He was my constant. My co-pilot. The center of my routine. Grover wasn’t “just a dog.” He was with me through it all: the heartaches, the joys, the seasons of growth, and the ones that felt impossible to get through. He was my grounding presence in the chaos, the one who sat beside me in the quiet moments, the one who always seemed to know when I needed him near. He never spoke a word, but he offered the most honest companionship I’ve ever known. His love was unconditional, and so was mine. That kind of understanding, quiet, steady, and wordless, is rare. And it’s something I will always hold sacred. That’s the complexity of pet grief. It’s the loss of a companion, a part of your everyday. It’s missing someone you never had a conversation with, yet who somehow knew you better than most. It’s the ache of empty routines and the absence felt in all the small, ordinary spaces they used to fill. Grieving a pet is its own kind of grief. It’s deep and real, but often silent and unacknowledged. But if you’ve ever loved a pet the way I loved Grover, you understand it’s never “just” anything. It’s woven into your life. It’s the daily rituals, the quiet comfort, the way their presence makes the world feel more manageable and less alone. And grief itself is not tidy. It doesn’t follow rules or move in neat, predictable stages. It doesn’t politely excuse itself after a few months. It lingers. It shifts. Some days it softens. Other days, it cuts unexpectedly. It’s disorienting, lonely, and deeply, achingly human. A year later, the grief has softened, but it hasn’t gone. It lives beside me now, the way Grover once did. It doesn’t interrupt my days the way it used to, but it still finds me, especially in the quiet moments. And with that ache, there’s also something else: gratitude. A deep, full-body kind of appreciation for the bond we shared. A connection so rich that its absence will forever leave an imprint. I’m writing this not just for me, but for you, if you’ve lost someone. A pet, a person, a part of yourself. Loss is loss. And grief can feel unbearably lonely, especially when the world moves on and yours has stopped. So here’s a space for the ache. For the love. For the messiness. For the gratitude. Because what lives alongside my grief is the honour of having loved someone so completely. If you’re in it, missing someone who mattered more than words can hold, I see you. I miss Grover every single day. And I am endlessly grateful I got to love him the way I did. This is grief. And this is love.
With the snow melting and the days getting longer ( yay! ), many of us feel a natural urge to clean up our homes; sweeping out dust, decluttering closets, and welcoming in fresh air. Spring cleaning is a ritual of renewal, a way of creating space and bringing in light. But have you ever thought about doing the same for your mind? As April is Stress Awareness Month, it’s a perfect opportunity to check in with yourself—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. While we often focus on the things we can see and tidy up around the house, the mental and emotional clutter we carry can be just as heavy, if not more so. What is Mental Clutter, Really? Mental clu tter is all the “stuff” in our minds that distracts us, drains us, or leaves us feeling stuck. It’s the internal noise of unfinished to-do lists, looping worries, self-criticism, unprocessed emotions, or even the pressure to keep it all together. 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Over time, it can show up as sleep issues, irritability, burnout, brain fog, or even physical symptoms like headaches or muscle tension. By bringing awareness to our stress and taking steps to reduce our mental clutter, we give ourselves space to breathe, focus, and feel more grounded. 5 Ways to Spring Clean Your Mind Just like physical clutter, mental clutter doesn’t go away on its own. The good news? You don’t have to overhaul your entire life to make a meaningful shift. Here are five approachable ways to clear some space in your mind this spring: Name What’s Taking Up Mental Space Start with some honest reflection. What’s been on your mind lately? What’s bothering you beneath the surface? This might be anything from work deadlines to emotional pain you haven’t had time to process. Try writing it all down without editing or judging. Sometimes simply naming what’s there helps you feel more in control. 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It’s about giving yourself the time and space to clear out what’s not serving you and make room for clarity, connection, and calm. Feeling Ready to Clear Some Space? If this post resonated with you, let's talk. Therapy can be a valuable space to slow down, sort through what’s on your mind, and find practical ways to manage stress with more ease. If you’re feeling mentally cluttered or simply ready for a fresh start, I invite you to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to explore whether therapy might be a good fit for you!
Self-care has become a buzzword in recent years, often associated with bubble baths, journaling, or taking mental health days. While these practices have value, they tend to focus on top-down approaches, strategies that rely heavily on cognitive control, like reframing thoughts, mindfulness, or planning self-care routines. But what if you're too overwhelmed to think your way out of distress? This is where bottom-up approaches to self-care come in. These techniques engage the body and nervous system first , creating safety and emotional regulation from the ground up. For individuals experiencing anxiety, depression, or trauma, bottom-up strategies can help when traditional cognitive approaches feel out of reach. In this blog, I’ll explore what bottom-up self-care looks like, how it works, and share practical strategies for incorporating it into your life. What is a Bottom-Up Approach? Bottom-up approaches focus on how sensory, emotional, and bodily experiences affect mental health. 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Cold showers : A 30-second cold rinse can jolt the nervous system out of a stress state, grounding you in the present. This practice taps into the vagus nerve and helps with emotional regulation, offering relief from anxiety or low mood. 4. Tactile and Sensory Self-Care When emotions feel overwhelming, grounding yourself through sensory input can bring relief. Weighted blankets : The deep pressure mimics a hug and can reduce anxiety by triggering a relaxation response. Holding objects : Keep a smooth stone, stress ball, or soft object nearby to engage your tactile sense when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. Aromatherapy : Scents like lavender, chamomile, or cedarwood can activate the parasympathetic system, promoting relaxation. These practices offer a direct line to calm by engaging your senses, without needing to process emotions cognitively. 5. Self-Soothing Touch Touch sends powerful signals of safety to the brain. Self-soothing techniques work by mimicking the calming effect of being comforted by another person. Hand on chest : Placing your hand on your chest and gently applying pressure can create a sense of safety. Hugging yourself : Wrapping your arms around yourself offers comfort, especially during moments of loneliness or distress. 6. Grounding Exercises Grounding reconnects you to the present moment through sensory experiences. 5-4-3-2-1 technique : Identify five things you see, four you touch, three you hear, two you smell, and one you taste. Barefoot grounding : Walking barefoot on grass, sand, or soil can reduce stress by reconnecting you to natural sensory inputs. These techniques help pull your attention away from anxious thoughts and back into the present. Building a Bottom-Up Self-Care Routine Incorporating bottom-up self-care requires consistency and patience , especially if your nervous system has been stuck in survival mode. 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In the intricate web of human relationships, communication often serves as the golden thread that binds hearts and minds together. Mastering the art of communication is not merely a skill but a profound journey towards understanding, empathy, and connection. Whether it's with your partner, family members, friends, or colleagues, clear and effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Join us as we delve into the depths of navigating relationships through improved communication strategies. The Foundation of Effective Communication Relationships thrive on communication, and the quality of that communication greatly impacts the dynamics between individuals. Lack of communication or ineffective communication can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and feelings of disconnect. By establishing a strong foundation built on active listening, open dialogue, and empathy, individuals can strengthen their relationships and foster deeper connections. The Power of Active Listening Active listening is the key to unlocking successful communication. It involves not just hearing but truly understanding the message being conveyed. When engaged in a conversation, practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, showing genuine interest, and providing feedback to demonstrate understanding. By being fully present in the moment, you validate the speaker's feelings and create a safe space for meaningful conversations. Navigating Conflicts Through Constructive Communication Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but the way they are managed can either strengthen or weaken the bond between individuals. When faced with a conflict, approach the situation with an open mind and a willingness to understand the other person's perspective. Use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings without placing blame. Through calm and constructive communication, conflicts can be resolved amicably, paving the way for mutual growth and understanding. Setting Boundaries and Honouring Differences Respecting boundaries and acknowledging differences are essential components of effective communication in relationships. Each individual carries their own beliefs, values, and experiences, which shape their communication style. By recognizing and honouring these differences, individuals can create a harmonious environment where all perspectives are valued. Communicate openly about boundaries and expectations to ensure a healthy and respectful relationship dynamic. Cultivating Empathy and Understanding Empathy is the bedrock of meaningful relationships. To truly connect with others, it is crucial to cultivate empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and seeing the world through their eyes. When communicating, strive to understand the emotions and motivations behind the words spoken. Validate each other's feelings and experiences, fostering a sense of empathy and mutual support within the relationship. The Journey Towards Better Communication Embarking on the journey of improving communication in relationships requires dedication, patience, and a willingness to grow. By prioritizing active listening, embracing conflicts as opportunities for growth, setting healthy boundaries, and nurturing empathy, individuals can navigate the complexities of relationships with grace and understanding. Remember, communication is a two-way street that requires mutual respect, trust, and a commitment to fostering strong, lasting connections. In conclusion, effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. By honing your communication skills, you can deepen your connections, resolve conflicts peacefully, and create a harmonious environment where all voices are heard and valued. Embrace the power of communication as a tool for building bridges, fostering understanding, and nurturing the bonds that unite us as human beings.
Grief is a deeply personal experience, yet it touches nearly everyone at some point in life. Whether the loss is of a loved one, a pet, or the end of a significant relationship, grief has a way of altering the course of our emotions and lives. It doesn’t follow a predictable pattern, and the range of feelings, sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, can catch us off guard. Exploring the complexity of grief and how it unfolds can help us process the pain and allow it to exist alongside our healing. Grief’s Non-Linear Nature Often, grief is mistakenly seen as a linear process, where one progresses through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, these stages aren’t a checklist but rather a broad framework. Grief doesn't follow a straight line. It comes and goes in waves, sometimes manageable, sometimes overwhelming. Days that seem better can quickly turn into those marked by deep sadness, and moments of peace can be interrupted by sudden feelings of loss. This unpredictability can feel confusing, but it’s a natural part of grieving. One moment might bring a sense of relief or normalcy, while the next might stir up pain again. Grief isn’t something to "move on" from but rather an experience to navigate, sometimes quietly, sometimes intensely. The Emotions of Grief Sadness is often the emotion most associated with grief, but it’s rarely the only one. Anger can arise, directed at circumstances, oneself, or even at the loss itself. Guilt is also common, regret for things unsaid or unresolved, or questioning whether more could have been done. The confusion that follows a significant loss, whether it’s a loved one, a pet, or a relationship, can feel disorienting, leaving a sense of imbalance as the world shifts without warning. Each of these emotions plays a role in the grieving process. A loss may leave life feeling less certain, causing deeper reflections on identity and future plans. Acknowledging these feelings, even when they seem contradictory or overwhelming, is a step toward processing the grief in a way that feels genuine and personal. Grieving Different Types of Loss Grief isn’t limited to the death of a loved one. The loss of a pet, often a loyal companion, can bring just as much pain. Pets provide comfort, companionship, and unconditional love, and their absence can leave a noticeable void. In relationships, whether romantic or platonic, the end of a meaningful connection can feel like mourning a future that was once envisioned. These types of grief, while different in their circumstances, share common ground in how deeply they affect our emotional world. Loss, in any form, shifts the landscape of life and demands to be felt. The comparisons between losses, whether of a loved one or a pet, don’t diminish the pain felt in either case. Processing Grief Allowing yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions is crucial in processing grief. There’s no need to rush toward “feeling better” or to suppress emotions that seem difficult to face. Being with the grief, whether through tears, anger, or even numbness, makes space for healing. Often, sharing the grief with others, whether through conversations with a trusted friend or a therapist, can provide comfort and connection during these isolating times. Mindfulness and self-compassion can also be invaluable. Grief is often accompanied by self-criticism, the belief that one should be “handling it better” or moving through the process more quickly. Embracing self-compassion allows for gentleness with oneself, recognizing that grief is a process without a set timeline. Mindfulness helps to remain present with the emotions as they arise, without being consumed by them. Living with Grief Grief doesn’t always demand sadness at every moment. Even in times of loss, there can be moments of joy, and those experiences are just as valid. Honouring the memory of what has been lost, whether through rituals or quiet reflections, can offer a sense of connection while allowing life to continue moving forward. Grief becomes part of the fabric of life. Over time, its intensity may lessen, and the waves may come less frequently. However, the love and memories remain. The experience of loss transforms but doesn’t need to be “left behind.” Living with grief means carrying it gently, knowing that it’s a testament to the depth of the love and connection that came before.
Being a veteran means you’ve faced experiences that most people can only imagine. Your strength, dedication, and courage are truly remarkable. However, returning to civilian life can sometimes feel like stepping into a whole new battlefield, especially when grappling with PTSD and trauma. If you’re struggling to reclaim your life after service, remember, you’re not alone, and it’s absolutely okay to reach out for help. At Embolden Mental Health and Psychotherapy, we recognize that navigating these challenges is no easy feat. Our mission is to support you in regaining control and finding peace in your life, one step at a time, through compassionate virtual therapy available across Ontario. Let’s embark on this journey together! Understanding PTSD and Trauma in Veterans: First off, let’s talk about what PTSD actually is. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental health condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. For veterans, this could be anything from combat situations, loss of comrades, or even non-combat-related incidents during service. It’s more common than you might think, around 10% of veterans experience PTSD at some point, and that’s not even counting those who might struggle with related trauma but haven’t been formally diagnosed . Signs of PTSD: The signs can be subtle or glaring. You might find yourself grappling with flashbacks, haunted by nightmares, or tossing and turning at night. Perhaps you're always on edge, easily startled, or feeling emotionally numb. Other signs of PTSD in veterans may include: Trouble focusing Feeling irritable or having angry outbursts Avoiding anything that reminds you of the trauma Experiencing guilt or shame Forgetting things more often Physical issues like headaches or stomach problems PTSD can make day-to-day life feel like walking through a minefield, where any small trigger could send you spiralling. 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It’s therapy, but on your terms. You can join a session from the comfort of your home, your car, or anywhere you feel safe. It’s private, convenient, and flexible. At Embolden Mental Health and Psychotherapy, we specialize in virtual therapy for veterans across Ontario. Our approach is tailored to your unique experiences. We use evidence-based practices like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to help you process trauma and manage symptoms. We’re here to help you find a path to recovery that feels right for you. Coping Strategies for PTSD and Trauma Not quite ready for therapy? While we highly encourage it, we understand that the decision takes time. In the meantime, here are several ways you can support yourself: 1. Build a Strong Support System It can be incredibly healing to surround yourself with people who understand what you’re going through. This support can come from family, friends, or other veterans. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation. 2. Practice Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques Mindfulness and relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing exercises, meditation, and grounding techniques, can help you stay connected to the present moment and reduce anxiety. These practices can help calm your nervous system and provide a sense of control when emotions become overwhelming. 3. Establish a Daily Routine Creating a structured daily routine can bring a sense of stability and normalcy to your life. Having regular activities planned out, whether it’s a morning walk, meals at set times, or scheduled relaxation, can provide a sense of predictability and help reduce anxiety. 4. Engage in Physical Activity Exercise can have a powerful impact on mental health. It doesn’t have to be anything intense, even a daily walk, yoga, or light stretching can release endorphins that improve mood and reduce stress. Finding an activity you enjoy and making it part of your routine can make a big difference. Reconnecting with Your Identity Beyond Service It’s also important to remember that you’re more than your service. You have passions, interests, and a vibrant life waiting beyond the uniform. Reconnecting with those parts of yourself can be incredibly healing. Maybe you loved art, music, or hiking before service. Rediscover those activities. Finding a new purpose is another crucial step. Whether it’s volunteering, mentoring other veterans, or picking up a new hobby, having something to focus on can provide a new sense of direction. And don’t underestimate the therapeutic power of sharing your story. Speaking with others who’ve been through similar experiences can be a powerful way to process your own journey. How to Get Started with Therapy Startin g therap y can feel intimidating, but you don’t have to jump in all at once. It’s okay to have questions, concerns, and even doubts. At Embolden Mental Health and Psychotherapy, we’re here to answer those questions and guide you through the process. Our first session is all about getting to know you, no pressure, no judgment. We’ll talk about what’s been going on, what your goals are, and how we can work together to help you get there. It’s a team effort, and you’re in the driver’s seat. Conclusion Reclaiming your life after service isn’t an easy journey, but it’s a journey worth taking. You’ve already shown incredible strength in serving your country. Now, it’s time to show that strength in reclaiming your peace and joy. If you’re ready to take the first step, we’re here to walk beside you every step of the way. Thank you for your service, and for your bravery, both on the field and in seeking help. If you’re ready to start, reach out to us at Embolden Mental Health and Psychotherapy. We’re here to help you reclaim your life, one day at a time.
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