Understanding People-Pleasing and Learning to Set Boundaries
Holly Strickland • October 20, 2025
Saying No Is a Form of Self-Respect, Not Selfishness.
Boundaries are so important because they do a very critical job- they serve as a way of protecting our inner peace.
In sessions I truly value better understanding how boundary setting can feel, or what it would be like to implement a boundary in a unique situation.
Many of us grow up learning that being kind, helpful, and agreeable makes us a “good person”. And often, it does. But when kindness turns into a pattern of people-pleasing—saying yes when we truly want to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, or putting others’ needs ahead of our own—we can lose ourselves in this process. A sense of guilt and anxiety can creep up, causing enmeshed personal dynamics.
People-pleasing isn’t just about being nice. It can be rooted in deeper emotional patterns, shaped by our early relationships where love or safety may have felt conditional.
Over time, we may learn to keep the peace by staying quiet. We may not ask for what we want or need. We might constantly put others ahead of ourselves, neglecting filling up our own personal cup.
While these behaviours can feel like strengths, they can come with deep costs to our mental and physical well-being. People pleasing can lead to experiencing exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of connection to ourselves. One of the clearest signs of chronic people-pleasing is difficulty with boundaries.
What’s one situation where you wish you had set a clearer boundary? What stopped you?”
Boundaries are the invisible lines that help us define where we end and others begin. They act as a guide in how we show up in our relationships. Boundaries are the ways we care for ourselves, and how we protect our time and energy.
Having healthy boundaries doesn't mean we care less or that we are behaving in a “mean” way. It means we are caring responsibly, for others, and for ourselves.
When boundaries are unclear, we can feel drained, overwhelmed, or even taken advantage of—especially in relationships where we constantly play the role of caretaker, peacekeeper, or mediator.
Setting a boundary involves setting a clear action within your control, not with the intention of controlling other people. We decide our own boundaries, and we are not in charge of anyone else.
Some examples of boundaries might include:
- Saying no without guilt
- Taking time for rest, even when others want your attention
- Speaking up when something doesn’t feel right
- Limiting your emotional investment in relationships that feel one-sided
Why Boundaries Are Hard and Why They Matter
If you find boundary-setting difficult, you are not alone. Many of us were never taught how to say no or how to express our needs without fear of disappointing someone. If you find yourself reflecting on your boundaries, I commend you. It starts there!
It is very common to worry that setting a boundary will make us seem selfish, cold, or unkind. But here is the truth - real connection can only happen when we show up honestly and as our authentic selves. We cannot only show up the way others expect or desire us to be. We deserve to be our own person.
Boundaries create space for that honesty and acting in line with what we value. They allow us to stay grounded, present, and emotionally available without experiencing burn out.

Most importantly, please be kind to yourself in the process! Give yourself permission to have self-compassion for yourself. You are allowed to have needs and you are allowed to say no—in a way that feels best for you.
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May is a heavy month for me. It’s been one year since I lost my dog, Grover: my soul dog, my best friend, my quiet, steady companion. Even now, saying that out loud doesn’t feel real. Some days, it feels like he was just here. Other days, it feels like he’s been gone forever. That’s the thing about grief. It bends time, plays tricks on your memory, and shows up when you least expect it. I’m a therapist. I spend much of my time holding space for grief, sitting with clients as they navigate loss, uncertainty, and the quiet ache that follows. But today, I’m not writing as a therapist. I’m writing as a person who has loved and lost, hard. I still miss the sound of his paws padding behind me. His raspy voice would always let me know when it was time for breakfast, dinner, or treats. He never let me forget when it was time for a walk. Even if I was in the middle of a session, he made his presence known. Everything in my life had a place for him. I used to sleep half-hanging off the edge of my king-sized bed so he could sprawl comfortably. His seat in the car was always ready. He had weekly hangouts with his little buddies, a non-negotiable part of the calendar. He was my constant. My co-pilot. The center of my routine. Grover wasn’t “just a dog.” He was with me through it all: the heartaches, the joys, the seasons of growth, and the ones that felt impossible to get through. He was my grounding presence in the chaos, the one who sat beside me in the quiet moments, the one who always seemed to know when I needed him near. He never spoke a word, but he offered the most honest companionship I’ve ever known. His love was unconditional, and so was mine. That kind of understanding, quiet, steady, and wordless, is rare. And it’s something I will always hold sacred. That’s the complexity of pet grief. It’s the loss of a companion, a part of your everyday. It’s missing someone you never had a conversation with, yet who somehow knew you better than most. It’s the ache of empty routines and the absence felt in all the small, ordinary spaces they used to fill. Grieving a pet is its own kind of grief. It’s deep and real, but often silent and unacknowledged. But if you’ve ever loved a pet the way I loved Grover, you understand it’s never “just” anything. It’s woven into your life. It’s the daily rituals, the quiet comfort, the way their presence makes the world feel more manageable and less alone. And grief itself is not tidy. It doesn’t follow rules or move in neat, predictable stages. It doesn’t politely excuse itself after a few months. It lingers. It shifts. Some days it softens. Other days, it cuts unexpectedly. It’s disorienting, lonely, and deeply, achingly human. A year later, the grief has softened, but it hasn’t gone. It lives beside me now, the way Grover once did. It doesn’t interrupt my days the way it used to, but it still finds me, especially in the quiet moments. And with that ache, there’s also something else: gratitude. A deep, full-body kind of appreciation for the bond we shared. A connection so rich that its absence will forever leave an imprint. I’m writing this not just for me, but for you, if you’ve lost someone. A pet, a person, a part of yourself. Loss is loss. And grief can feel unbearably lonely, especially when the world moves on and yours has stopped. So here’s a space for the ache. For the love. For the messiness. For the gratitude. Because what lives alongside my grief is the honour of having loved someone so completely. If you’re in it, missing someone who mattered more than words can hold, I see you. I miss Grover every single day. And I am endlessly grateful I got to love him the way I did. This is grief. And this is love.
With the snow melting and the days getting longer ( yay! ), many of us feel a natural urge to clean up our homes; sweeping out dust, decluttering closets, and welcoming in fresh air. Spring cleaning is a ritual of renewal, a way of creating space and bringing in light. But have you ever thought about doing the same for your mind? As April is Stress Awareness Month, it’s a perfect opportunity to check in with yourself—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. While we often focus on the things we can see and tidy up around the house, the mental and emotional clutter we carry can be just as heavy, if not more so. What is Mental Clutter, Really? Mental clu tter is all the “stuff” in our minds that distracts us, drains us, or leaves us feeling stuck. It’s the internal noise of unfinished to-do lists, looping worries, self-criticism, unprocessed emotions, or even the pressure to keep it all together. Some signs of mental clutter might include: Feeling overwhelmed or scattered Difficulty focusing or making decisions Overthinking conversations or past mistakes Constant mental to-do lists A sense of emotional fatigue—even when you’ve had “down time” If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. We all accumulate mental clutter from time to time, especially during stressful periods or when life feels busy and nonstop. The Connection Between Mental Clutter and Stress When our minds are full of disorganized thoughts, worries, and unresolved emotions, it keeps our nervous system in a state of high alert. You may not feel “panicked” per se, but your body might be operating as if there’s a low-level emergency all the time—what we sometimes call chronic stress. And the thing about chronic stress is that it’s sneaky. It builds gradually, often without us realizing how much we’re carrying. Over time, it can show up as sleep issues, irritability, burnout, brain fog, or even physical symptoms like headaches or muscle tension. By bringing awareness to our stress and taking steps to reduce our mental clutter, we give ourselves space to breathe, focus, and feel more grounded. 5 Ways to Spring Clean Your Mind Just like physical clutter, mental clutter doesn’t go away on its own. The good news? You don’t have to overhaul your entire life to make a meaningful shift. Here are five approachable ways to clear some space in your mind this spring: Name What’s Taking Up Mental Space Start with some honest reflection. What’s been on your mind lately? What’s bothering you beneath the surface? This might be anything from work deadlines to emotional pain you haven’t had time to process. Try writing it all down without editing or judging. Sometimes simply naming what’s there helps you feel more in control. Try a Daily “Brain Dump” At the end of the day, give yourself 5–10 minutes to unload whatever’s lingering in your mind—things you need to remember, thoughts you’re ruminating on, or feelings you haven’t addressed. Writing this down helps your brain feel like it can pause, knowing nothing important is being forgotten. It’s a small practice with a big calming effect. Cut Down on Mental “Noise” In today’s world, we’re constantly consuming information—news, emails, social media, podcasts. It adds up quickly. Try setting gentle limits on screen time or giving yourself “quiet hours” where you step away from digital inputs. Even small shifts, like muting notifications or taking a social media break, can reduce background stress. Challenge the Inner Critic Mental clutter isn’t just about tasks and worries—it can also include the unkind voice in your head. Notice when you’re being self-critical or catastrophizing (e.g., “I always mess this up,” “What if everything goes wrong?”). When you catch these thoughts, try gently questioning them. Ask: Is this true? Is this helpful? What would I say to a friend in this situation? Make Room for Stillness It doesn’t have to be a long meditation or fancy mindfulness practice. It could be as simple as pausing for a deep breath, sitting outside for a few minutes, or sipping your coffee without scrolling. These micro-moments of stillness help reset your nervous system and allow your mind to catch its breath. When You Need More Than a Reset If you’ve been feeling mentally cluttered for a while and can’t seem to find relief, it might be time to talk to someone. Therapy offers a space to sort through what’s been building up, explore the deeper sources of stress, and develop strategies that support your mental well-being in a sustainable way. Think of therapy like mental spring cleaning with guidance—it’s not about being perfect or “fixing” everything. It’s about giving yourself the time and space to clear out what’s not serving you and make room for clarity, connection, and calm. Feeling Ready to Clear Some Space? If this post resonated with you, let's talk. Therapy can be a valuable space to slow down, sort through what’s on your mind, and find practical ways to manage stress with more ease. If you’re feeling mentally cluttered or simply ready for a fresh start, I invite you to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to explore whether therapy might be a good fit for you!
Self-care has become a buzzword in recent years, often associated with bubble baths, journaling, or taking mental health days. While these practices have value, they tend to focus on top-down approaches, strategies that rely heavily on cognitive control, like reframing thoughts, mindfulness, or planning self-care routines. But what if you're too overwhelmed to think your way out of distress? This is where bottom-up approaches to self-care come in. These techniques engage the body and nervous system first , creating safety and emotional regulation from the ground up. For individuals experiencing anxiety, depression, or trauma, bottom-up strategies can help when traditional cognitive approaches feel out of reach. In this blog, I’ll explore what bottom-up self-care looks like, how it works, and share practical strategies for incorporating it into your life. What is a Bottom-Up Approach? Bottom-up approaches focus on how sensory, emotional, and bodily experiences affect mental health. The goal is to address dysregulation in the nervous system before trying to tackle thoughts or behaviours. This approach aligns with the understanding that the body stores stress, trauma, and emotional experiences , and it needs to be engaged to promote healing. The nervous system operates in two main modes : Sympathetic activation : Fight-or-flight (activated during stress or danger). Parasympathetic activation : Rest-and-digest (calm and relaxed state). When anxiety or depression takes hold, the nervous system can get stuck in survival mode, either in hyperarousal (anxiety) or hypoarousal (depression or emotional numbness). Bottom-up self-care helps shift the nervous system toward balance by focusing on the body first, before the mind . Why Bottom-Up Self-Care Works Cognitive strategies like positive thinking or planning self-care rely on mental energy. But during high stress or emotional overwhelm, this energy may not be available. For example: When anxiety hijacks the nervous system, thinking clearly becomes difficult. Depression often brings a sense of numbness or fatigue, making it hard to initiate activities. Bottom-up self-care rebuilds regulation from the inside out by focusing on bodily sensations, movement, and sensory experiences. These strategies tap into the vagus nerve, a key player in the parasympathetic system, to promote calm and emotional stability. Bottom-Up Self-Care Strategies Here are several bottom-up self-care practices that can help restore emotional balance by regulating your nervous system. 1. Breath work Breathing is one of the quickest ways to engage the parasympathetic system. Intentional breath work can reduce anxiety and bring you back to a state of calm. Box breathing : Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold for 4. Repeat several times. Extended exhale : Inhale for 4 seconds, and exhale slowly for 6–8 seconds to signal safety to the nervous system. When anxious, your breath tends to become shallow. Practicing deeper, controlled breathing grounds the body, offering stability to your emotions. 2. Movement and Embodiment Practices Moving your body helps release stored stress and allows you to reconnect with the present moment. Walking : Rhythmic movement such as walking calms the nervous system. A walk in nature adds the soothing element of sensory input (like fresh air and sounds of birds). Yoga or stretching : Gentle yoga practices increase vagal tone and reduce physical tension. Even 5–10 minutes of stretching can foster a sense of calm. Shaking or dancing : Tremoring or dancing can release energy trapped in the body, which may accumulate due to unexpressed stress or emotions. 3. Cold Water Therapy Cold exposure activates the parasympathetic nervous system and can quickly shift your state when you feel stuck. Splash cold water on your face or immerse your hands in ice water for 30 seconds. Cold showers : A 30-second cold rinse can jolt the nervous system out of a stress state, grounding you in the present. This practice taps into the vagus nerve and helps with emotional regulation, offering relief from anxiety or low mood. 4. Tactile and Sensory Self-Care When emotions feel overwhelming, grounding yourself through sensory input can bring relief. Weighted blankets : The deep pressure mimics a hug and can reduce anxiety by triggering a relaxation response. Holding objects : Keep a smooth stone, stress ball, or soft object nearby to engage your tactile sense when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. Aromatherapy : Scents like lavender, chamomile, or cedarwood can activate the parasympathetic system, promoting relaxation. These practices offer a direct line to calm by engaging your senses, without needing to process emotions cognitively. 5. Self-Soothing Touch Touch sends powerful signals of safety to the brain. Self-soothing techniques work by mimicking the calming effect of being comforted by another person. Hand on chest : Placing your hand on your chest and gently applying pressure can create a sense of safety. Hugging yourself : Wrapping your arms around yourself offers comfort, especially during moments of loneliness or distress. 6. Grounding Exercises Grounding reconnects you to the present moment through sensory experiences. 5-4-3-2-1 technique : Identify five things you see, four you touch, three you hear, two you smell, and one you taste. Barefoot grounding : Walking barefoot on grass, sand, or soil can reduce stress by reconnecting you to natural sensory inputs. These techniques help pull your attention away from anxious thoughts and back into the present. Building a Bottom-Up Self-Care Routine Incorporating bottom-up self-care requires consistency and patience , especially if your nervous system has been stuck in survival mode. Here are a few tips for building a sustainable routine: Start small : Begin with one or two practices that feel manageable, such as deep breathing or cold water therapy. Tune in : Pay attention to how your body feels before and after each practice. Notice any subtle shifts. Create rituals : Embed these practices into your daily routine, like stretching when you wake up or grounding yourself with a weighted blanket before bed. Practice without judgment : Some days, self-care might feel easy, and on others, it might feel impossible. That’s okay. Bottom-up care is about meeting yourself where you are, without forcing change. Bottom-up self-care offers a powerful way to promote emotional well-being, especially when thinking your way out of distress isn't possible. By focusing on the body's signals and nervous system regulation , these practices create a foundation of safety and calm. When the body feels safe, the mind follows, making space for thought-based strategies like reflection, problem-solving, and mindfulness. Remember, self-care isn’t one-size-fits-all . What matters most is experimenting with different practices and discovering what works for you. Whether it’s a short walk, a cold splash of water, or a hand on your chest, these small moments of care add up, bringing you closer to a sense of peace and balance. What’s one bottom-up self-care practice you can try today? Start small and notice how it feels, you deserve that moment of care.
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